New beginnings

So Christmas has passed, celebrating the birth of our Lord.  And now onto New Year and more new beginnings.  A time to make promises and resolutions for many people.

I'm not out celebrating tonight but that's ok. I have the rest of the year to celebrate.  Many times in the past few days I've wished I was doing something tonight - I didn't want to be alone on a night when so many people are together. But you can't force the issue. I'm turning it around to be a night of reflecting on all that was good about the year.  

I've looked at the journal entry I wrote on 1st January this year... I didn't make resolutions as such but things I wanted to work on. They weren't absolute goals so I can't tick anything off but things that would make me grow as a person.  On the whole I think I have worked on them and will carry them on into 2017.  One of the things I wanted to do more of in 2016 was to write; I didn't quite know what format this would take and in fact it took me until June to start this blog which has been good therapy for me.  I hope to add to it more regularly next year.

So looking back on the year; plenty of stuff has happened to challenge me but I've learned to deal with things better. Mentally I'm ending the year much stronger. Physically, my health has been less good with my asthma really taking a beating for most of the year.  However, I was prescribed a new steroid inhaler just before Christmas and *touch wood* it seems to be helping a lot.  I've avoided the sickness bugs and most of the colds going around so I can't really complain.

I've spent this afternoon with my best friend, drinking tea, watching Bargain Hunt followed by the Blues Brothers. Talking and not talking. Just being. That was a perfect way to spend time and something we've not had the chance to do for a long time.  And it's what I needed - some company without any expectations to be particularly sociable.

Anyway I'm going to try to take 2017 a day at a time. Sure I have goals and dreams but living is for the moment.

Stay safe friends and enjoy January 1st 2017.

Life is complicated...

...and yet it isn't.

I know what I want but it's not just about me and I need to take others' needs into consideration.  Sometimes that means compromise.  Sometimes there's no compromise to be found.

What I need to realise is that if what I want doesn't happen, it's not a reflection on me, it's just that it isn't part of the plan right here, right now. That can be pretty hard to take on board but I think I'm getting better at it.

I have dreams. We all have dreams don't we?  I'd like to think mine really aren't completely unattainable but they involve other people and I cannot guarantee their dreams are the same as mine. So I need to think of new dreams. Dreams I can make happen because they don't rely on anyone else. Dreams that I can make happen by myself.

I'd love to think that there's someone out there who would want to share my dreams whatever they are.  I've done a lot of self searching and really am beginning to know and understand myself a bit better. I've changed some behaviours, some thinking, some habits. I'm still the same me but maybe a bit more honed and refined. But it's a work in progress with more work to do.

It really can work!

Feeling good is like a drug. You get the high and you want more of it. It can be highly addictive! 

I may be wrong but I'm not sure that people who haven't experienced mental difficulties fully appreciate feeling good.  And maybe that's a reason to be thankful that I have been affected by it. I really appreciate the good days because I know how damned awful the bad days are.  Sometimes it's something small that makes it a good day. Like the sun shining.  Other times its more than that.

This past week has been altogether pretty awesome.  Lots of things have come together; back at work so back in a routine; smaller daughter is back at school and being amazingly organised, self disciplined and motivated; had some good ideas for some upcoming puppet events; spent time with lovely people.   And the little things like a child coming up for a cuddle; a message of appreciation; a smile; a cup of tea.

Yes there have been moments when things haven't been so rosy and I could have given in to the loud voice in my ear but, just as it used to be so easy to succumb to it, it's becoming easier to stand up to it and pursue the better mood. I'm sure it won't always be like this but while it is, I'm going with it!  And when the crap does happen, rather than going down with it, it's important to acknowledge it's there but not to give it any more recognition than is necessary. Ignoring it completely isn't healthy I don't think as it just gets buried, as has happened before but becoming overwhelmed by it is also not good.

I'm not saying I've got this cracked. Not by a long way! But I'm starting to make sense of things. A few people have remarked on how well I am looking (of course I then wonder how bad did I look?!) and what I actually need to say in response to that is "thank you".  Thank you for supporting me thus far. Thank you for caring.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to explore how I need to change my thinking and behaviours.  Many people have helped me. Some know who they are, almost certainly some don't realise how much they have aided my recovery.  One day I'll be able to tell them.  But for now, thank you just for reading this. Because I guess that means you give a toss.

Friends

Almost certainly shouldn't be writing a blog whilst under the influence but hey ho.  Friends are important.  Sometimes you just need to take a deep breath and do it.  You never know.  You might be surprised.  That is what I did tonight.  And what a night I had.  My friends are awesome. 

Thank you God for my friends xx

Music...

One of the best things about having a day to myself is that I can choose what music I listen to! Today I'm not in the mood for anything particular so everything's on shuffle. My music tastes are pretty eclectic and have been influenced by 3 elder siblings with reasonably diverse music tastes themselves, friends, children, experiences, etc. For example, the current track "Will You" by Hazel O'Connor, reminds me of the time I was on a boat trip on the Thames with my family and someone jumped into the river (the track was playing on the radio during the trip). Sometimes songs or pieces of music remind me of less pleasant times which can make listening to them more difficult, but as I said in my last post, I can't regret anything that's happened, I'm determined to face up to any tracks that do this. Other tracks are real feel good tracks and so they get put in their own playlist. Could be the content or could just be a track with a great bassline or it makes me play air piano (Keane is a good one for that!)

Song lyrics can surprise me. I may have listened to a track dozens of times but then the lyrics jump out at me and I realise how much they relate to my life. A classic example of this is in the worship song "In Christ Alone" - I had sung this numerous times but one evening I was listening to it and was completely gobsmacked by the final lines of the final verse:


No power of hell, no scheme of man,

Can ever pluck me from His hand:

Till He returns or calls me home,

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Another example is from "Firework" by Katy Perry:

Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road


And another from "Honestly OK" by Dido:

I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore


I also enjoy listening to classical music (often on the days when I can't cope with listening to words if that makes sense) and maybe that's because of a childhood brought up on Radio 3 and 4. Again, my tastes are fairly eclectic but Vivaldi is a favourite, very possibly because of the formulaic and slightly predictable nature of his music, making it incredibly easy for me to listen to.

So what's the point of all this rambling about music and lyrics? I think it's all about memories and learning to deal with them. For me, music is incredibly evocative and can take me right back to a time in my life or a situation. I used to avoid listening to some music because it would remind me of a bad time but now I know I need to deal with it. And more importantly I feel ABLE to deal with it. It has been suggested to me that I carefully choose what I listen to and not listen to less than uplifting music and I understand the sentiment, but I've learned from everything - for example, the Dido lyric above is a reminder of where I once was and how far I've come.

I was recently tagged on Facebook to post the cover of a great album with no explanation.  There were so many I could have chosen but without too much thinking about I opted for Lovesexy by Prince.  Thinking about it, I think I have it on vinyl, cassette and CD!  It was the first Prince album I bought and there was one track, Anna Stesia, that completely entranced me; I can't explain why.  It's definitely a track that takes me right back to the late 80s, the confusion of teenagerdom and the beginnings of my fight with depression.  But I can stand up proud and say I've moved forward from those days.  Yes, it still evokes memories and feelings, but as long as I don't let those feelings overwhelm me it's ok.

And that's true of all feelings I guess - putting things in proportion is key.  Keeping negative stuff in check - not sure it's even healthy to suppress it altogether.  But I know wallowing in it definitely isn't.

Preparation is essential...

Just casually thinking about decorating, as you do.  Well I'm more accurately procrastinating about decorating.

There are two ways to approach decorating.  One way is to prepare thoroughly - wash down the walls, sand the woodwork, apply primer, undercoat, use masking tape, fill in cracks, etc.  The preparation is hard, back-aching work and you often feel like giving up but the final painting process is easier and the end result is very satisfying.  The other way is to half heartedly prepare, if at all then endure a difficult painting experience and a less than satisfying end product with streaks and bumps that will haunt you every time you catch sight of them.

I think I'm currently going through the former in my life.  Seeing where the lumps and bumps are that need sanding.  Filling in the cracks.  Preparing myself for the rest of my life.  I need to do this to avoid rushing to get the job done knowing I haven't really done it properly.  Yes, at times, I question why I am bothering to put all this hard work in especially when I can't see what the end result will be.  Heck I don't even know what colour the final paint will be!  But that's when my friends and family are there with encouragement to keep going.  To see the bigger picture.

Everything that has happened so far in my life has helped to shape who I am in one way or another.  Maybe an experience has taught me a lesson, maybe it's a happy memory, maybe it's a reassurance or a warning.  So I can't really regret anything that's happened in my life.  Believe me - that is a big realisation and a big deal for me!  Looking back at even the darkest times in my life, I can see tiny glimmers of positivity and can see that I have pulled through and taken something from what has happened.

There's a bit more preparation still to be done but I'm taking my time over it and trying not to rush.  It'll need doing again at some point in the future but for now I'm not thinking about that, just the jb in hand right here, right now.

Yes I know it's been a while...

...and now here I am in the small hours of the morning. I blame my good friend Vicky entirely for this. At dinner with friends this evening she said I should be writing more. I'm not entirely sure this is what she meant but I'll blame her anyway!

Something that struck me over the course of the evening is how far I've come. Sure I've been told I've come a long way but I think it's one of those things that you have to realise yourself to truly appreciate it.  I'm beginning to self analyse with a bit more objectiveness (or is it objectivity?) and rationalise a lot more. Maybe all the therapy really is beginning to filter through!

I'm becoming more open. Some people may laugh when I say I'm getting better at talking! I think I've always been a chatterbox but if I'm honest I've mostly been spouting a load of rubbish! Now I'm more able to say how I feel and feel confidence that my opinion is valid and if someone disagrees with me or vice versa, it won't affect our relationship.  Very possibly a side effect of talking therapies,  probably because I am listened to.

I've made some good friends on my journey and in a way this evening was a celebration of new friends. Not necessarily very recent but friends who have become so in the past few years and I hope will continue with me.  I used to measure friendship in terms of years but I recognise how untrue that can be.  Yes some of my "oldest" friends are very good friends but so are some of my newer friends. I've learned to let go of some people but also not to hold on too tight to others. That is a whole other post!

I can see lots of windows of opportunity right now. As I typed that I laughed to myself. This is NOT what I was thinking yesterday! But having pulled myself out of my insular little nest, and opening my eyes wide, I can see so many possibilities.  I posted on Facebook recently - "Hold on - God knows what He's doing". He's got a plan. He waits so patiently for me to finish trying to do things my way (though that is a great song!) then points me in the right direction.  This is such a time. He waited for me to have my strop and wobble yesterday then lit up the neon "THIS WAY" sign. He works through my lovely friends and their wisdom and advice.  He works through my thought processes. He works through ways I can't even fathom. That's pretty amazing!

So I know I hadn't written for a while before tonight; part of that is because I had so much I wanted to write I felt completely overwhelmed  (as my close friends will testify, when that happens I bury my head in the sand and do nothing!), part of it is because I didn't know where to start and part of it is because I've not really had time to sit quietly and reflect. So thank you Vicky, for consciously or otherwise willing me to write tonight. Maybe this will open the floodgates for all the other things I want to say.

Me again...

A couple of people have commented that I haven't blogged for a while. Truth be told I've had a naff week or 2 and just couldn't. But seeing some people I haven't seen for a while and some gentle encouragement have reinvigorated me and given me a welcome prod of inspiration.

I had a big disappointment a while ago. One I thought I could never get over.  I'm not the most patient person and the adage of "time is a healer" just didn't cut it. But you know what?  It does. I won't forget what happened but I'll learn from it. I won't be the same person again and the experience will always be there in my personality.  Experiences shape who we are.  Then last week it felt like everything that could happen to upset me did happen and I was in control of nothing.  Perhaps God's way of reminding me to let Him handle things!  But had the time it felt like one big onslaught of rubbish and that negative voice was louder than ever and completely overpowering.  But somehow I got through and put that negative voice back in its place.  I'd like to say I know how I did it - guess I just put my fingers in my ears and shouted "LA LA LA!" until it went away

Something interesting dropped into my inbox this morning - about who we are being actually based on our past.  I shared this with a friend who commented that as our present is only transient and that we are constantly making our past, we are constantly changing.  This got me thinking about how we can shape our immediate future by our actions today.  I think there's more to think about on this.

My new philosophy, which I have shared with a few people is "nothing ventured, nothing gained".  Sitting still won't change anything.  I may have to risk some disappointments but I might reap amazing rewards.  I've always believed that everything happens for a reason even if we don't know what that reason is.  Sometimes the reason becomes clear later on but sometimes we just never know why it happens.  Nobody is going to make my memories for me; it's up to me to make my own.  And that in itself sounds like a ruddy good philosophy!

Life's too short...

I've learnt a few lessons over the course of the past week.  On Wednesday I attended the funeral of a former school friend.  Celebrating the life of someone the same age as me was particularly poignant and although there was sadness, there was also joy at how much she had given.  The following day, I, along with many people, was shocked and saddened by the murder of Jo Cox in Yorkshire.  She was just 2 months younger than me and, combined with the emotions from the previous day, I had a little rant to myself about how unfair life is.

Life is precious.  None of us know what is around the corner.  I began this blog talking about living for today and I stand by that.  We can spend our lives making plans and working our backsides off to provide for the future but we are in danger of forgetting about today and may miss out on so much.  

I remember the saying "why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?"; I can be the world's best procrastinator and was the queen of last minute essay writing during A levels and at university.  But I've realised that there might not always be a tomorrow.

I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't plan for the future but that we shouldn't get so tied up with what may or may not come that we lose sight of what we are doing today.  Tell people we love them.  Make that phone call to an old friend.  Do that thing you've always dreamed of doing.  Before you find you've run out of tomorrows.

I am who I am

Who I am only really matters to one person.  Me.  Obviously how I behave can have repercussions on other people, both negative and positive, but who I am shouldn't bother anyone else.

This isn't going to be a long missive about who I am. I know who I am and I'm mostly happy with me.  Society is very good at compartmentalising and labelling people and I've been guilty of this too.  I could give myself a million labels but at the end of the day I'm me.  In any case I get hung up on words like "depressed" and "single" and need to not let them define me.  Labels are very often negative in any case, so it certainly makes sense for me to avoid them if I can. 

(Disclaimer - I'm not promising to never use a label - I'm certainly not claiming to be perfect!)

Another problem with labels is that there can be a reluctance/ belief that it is impossible to leave them behind or criticism or unwelcome comments if a person changes from their labelled personality.  The truth is, I believe, that we are free to change who we are as our life experiences shape us.  In lots of ways I am very different from the person I was, say 10 years ago.  Staying the same would be quite suffocating and stagnating.  Just as the world is changing, I believe people need to change.  Maybe not dramatically, but subtly and appropriately.  That said, I don't believe in change for the sake of change.

There is the old saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and I guess that's true to a point, but change could actually improve something further than it was before.  We shouldn't be afraid of change.  I used to be afraid of it; I thought I couldn't change.  I thought I was me and that was it.  I was labelled and that was that.  But something in me woke up and I now know that I can be anyone I want to be.  And I will be.

Maslow talked about actualisation as the condition that occurs when all needs are met or the fulfilment of a person's potential.  I'm a way off from that yet but I guess that's what I'm striving for.  I want to be the me I want to be, not whom I'm expected to be or I feel I should be.  If people don't like who I am, that's their problem.  I will not conform for the sake of other people's feelings any more.

Community spirit

Am feeling a bit tired this evening but I feel great after a lovely weekend which followed a brilliant week.  On reflecting on the past week, I've identified a running theme... community.

At work this week I've really felt part of a team. I haven't felt that I needed to know or do everything but that my contribution has been useful and appreciated.  And that I've appreciated other people. I'm reminded of 1 Corinthians:12 - about how the body is made up of many parts but they are all important to make the body work.

Yesterday I was invited to a street party in the road I moved away from 2 years ago. It was lovely to see my old neighbours and friends and spend time chatting and celebrating with them.  Then this morning I joined other brave folk for an outdoor service to celebrate Love Marlow week and HM Queen's birthday.  We got thoroughly drenched but our spirits really weren't dampened.  I love the idea behind Love Marlow; concentrating the community for one week with the aim of rippling out throughout the year.  The weekend was rounded off by more celebrations for Her Majesty in the form of a cream tea at St. Peter's.

A few weeks ago my overwhelming feeling right now would be tiredness. I'd almost certainly be feeling down because the good times were over and would be feeling an adrenaline slump.  But not so much today.  I haven't got my usual Sunday evening blues.

So what's changed? I honestly believe that my change in thinking is rubbing off. I have unconsciously found myself thinking more positively; I'd be interested to know if anyone has noticed a change in my behaviour / outlook.

Whatever it is, I'm feeling a contentment from time to time that I've rarely experienced.  Problems don't feel insurmountable; they're still there but it's OK.  I haven't felt as stressed.  I'm sleeping better.

Long may it continue!

"Some things change, some stay the same..."

The above Pretenders lyric just occurred to me.  I can change some things but there are some that I cannot.  If something irritates me or upsets me I need to think - can I do anything to change this.   If the answer is yes, I should do just that.  If the answer is no, I need to accept that that's how it is and move on.  Easier said than done but necessary.

I was pondering last night why I'm writing this blog.  Am I writing it for anyone reading it?  Well not exactly BUT it may be that something I say resonates with somebody else and makes a difference to their day.  Mostly it's for me to make me focus on the positive and shut out the negative.  I believe that the more I do this the more it will become second nature to me.  I have found myself thinking during the day about things to write so perhaps it is working in ways that I didn't anticipate!

I've been told I'm not very patient when waiting for things to change - this is true to a degree; If I don't lose weight quick enough I get disheartened; if I do something but don't see immediate results I lose faith and give up too easily.  I'd like to think I have a new determination with my positive thinking and will carry this through so it becomes an integral part of my life.  

A key lesson I need to learn personally is that I am me and who I am is not dependent on anyone else.  That may sound a bit obvious to some people but I know I'm guilty of being who I think people want me to be or relying on people to be a certain way (or rebelling and doing the opposite!).  I'm making some progress on this but there's a way to go.

Which has got me thinking - do we ever "get there"?  And if we do, what then?  Hmmm - something else to ponder!!

To my friends...

Not had such a good day today. The negative voice inside has been louder than ever. 🙁  Still I've managed to identify some positives so maybe not all bad.

I need to address my friends. They take the brunt of my anxiety and negativity and somehow they stick by me.

So friends, this is to you. You know who you are.  You listen, you offer advice, you challenge, you support,  you persist, you love. You are more valuable than you know. You are awesome and amazing.  I love you all and truly appreciate everything you do, especially when it feels like I don't xx

I said it wouldn't be easy...

Positive thinking is hardest when I'm tired. It's easy to let the negative voice shout louder. It would be easy to give into it. Writing this in itself is a positive thing. I've been told before that I should use my writing skills. I'm not sure this is exactly what "they" meant but never mind.

Several times today I've seen a quotation attributed to the late Muhammad Ali: " Don't count the days, make the days count."  I've certainly been incredibly guilty of the former. It's x number of days until... I've done such and such for however long...  And... so what? I've regularly used a countdown app to monitor how long it is until something I've been looking forward to.  But I've been guilty of looking into the future and ignoring the now. Or looking back to when I last did something (perhaps something I've stopped doing for the right reason?) and focusing too much on the past and again,  ignoring the now.  The video I posted yesterday talked about today being "current". Today should be celebrated.  Not sure I quite subscribe to the "today could be the best day of my life" theory as I think I'll feel quite disappointed most days!  But yes, today needs to be celebrated.  I've achieved things. Some of my achievements may seem small and insignificant to others but some days just getting through to bedtime feels like a marathon.   It's about MY achievements.  What I'VE done/ thought/ realised/ said/ refrained from/ completed/ started.

I got home from a day out today, lay on my bed and felt a bit deflated. After the energy of last night and my determination, not to mention the positive feedback I've received, I was cross with myself because  I didn't feel very positive.  In fact I just felt exhausted.  I watched some mindless YouTube videos and thought about my day.  And I turned it around. I thought of positives from my day. It didn't stop me being exhausted but it made me smile.

It's felt a bit like an out of body experience today. I started the day feeling very aware that I was this new positive person and some of it felt quite contrived. I got stuck in traffic this morning and got cross and chastised myself for being annoyed!!  I met a few people during the day that I hadnt seen for a while and looking back, as the day wore on I began to lose the "everything is rosy" outlook with them and became more realistic. But not pessamistic; that's a big deal for me!

I saw something on Facebook which made me smile today.  "Amazing things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow".  I initially found it funny but it's actually very true! I wake up every morning with choices to make: what shall I wear (that doesn't generally take long to decide), what shall I have for breakfast, shall I drive or walk?  A less conscious decision in the past has been about my mood and I fear I've fallen into the trap of miserable being the easier option. I don't think I've been walking around with a rain cloud over my head but I know I've not always been as cheerful as I could have been. I'm planning to create a collection of positive quotations, Bible verses, cartoons and pictures to look at each day. The miserable cow one will certainly feature.

I think I'll sleep better tonight!

Today is a new day

A strange thing has happened. I usually have no problem falling asleep (staying asleep is a whole other issue!) but tonight I just couldn't drop off. Weirder still I realised I kept smiling to myself! In the end I have had to get up and tidy some stuff up in my room. Still not 100% tidy but I don't want to bang around too much and wake my daughter up!

I was sent a video earlier. Initially I thought it was a bit weird but I soon realised why my friend had sent me the link.  I got two clear messages from the video.

1. It's more important to "be" than to "do".
2. I need to ignore the negative voice in my head. I need to tune out of "Shit FM".

You can view the video I was sent here.

I plan to watch it again, probably more than once, because it just struck me that it's actually very easy to be more positive but it does take a little effort.  But surely it's worth it?  And over time it will get easier. And possibly second nature.

A few weeks ago, while playing a silly game with friends, the question arose "which cartoon character do I remind you of?"  I was dismayed that I reminded my friends of (amongst others) Eeyore. Always thought of myself more as Tigger.  Thinking about it I realised they were right. And that was perhaps one of the catalysts for this need to change.  In fact thinking about it I can pinpoint a few things that have happened in recent months that have brought me to this point.

Perhaps it's coincidental that I have recently (well, yesterday!) started to physically record positive things from my day.  I've done it mentally before but writing it down seems to serve better and hopefully will remind me in the dark days that there are positive things in my life.  This was triggered by the quotation "Look for something positive in each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder."  I can be the Queen of doom sometimes and this does nobody any good. My aim is to turn this around and be more positive. And if this positivity gets passed on to other people that can only be a good thing.

It would be dull if it was easy and I know I'll fall off the horse sometimes but I'm trying to do something to silence that negative voice within that's been so loud for a few years. I'm not trying to change the world but I have a very good friend who reminds me... "small steps..." :-)

I know this is a "doing" thing but I hope that it will be an impetus to my "being". A change I behaviour and thinking. A more optimistic outlook on life. Less burying my head in the sand. More dealing with things.  A clearer conscience.

On that note I'm hoping that I'll sleep now!