Me again...

A couple of people have commented that I haven't blogged for a while. Truth be told I've had a naff week or 2 and just couldn't. But seeing some people I haven't seen for a while and some gentle encouragement have reinvigorated me and given me a welcome prod of inspiration.

I had a big disappointment a while ago. One I thought I could never get over.  I'm not the most patient person and the adage of "time is a healer" just didn't cut it. But you know what?  It does. I won't forget what happened but I'll learn from it. I won't be the same person again and the experience will always be there in my personality.  Experiences shape who we are.  Then last week it felt like everything that could happen to upset me did happen and I was in control of nothing.  Perhaps God's way of reminding me to let Him handle things!  But had the time it felt like one big onslaught of rubbish and that negative voice was louder than ever and completely overpowering.  But somehow I got through and put that negative voice back in its place.  I'd like to say I know how I did it - guess I just put my fingers in my ears and shouted "LA LA LA!" until it went away

Something interesting dropped into my inbox this morning - about who we are being actually based on our past.  I shared this with a friend who commented that as our present is only transient and that we are constantly making our past, we are constantly changing.  This got me thinking about how we can shape our immediate future by our actions today.  I think there's more to think about on this.

My new philosophy, which I have shared with a few people is "nothing ventured, nothing gained".  Sitting still won't change anything.  I may have to risk some disappointments but I might reap amazing rewards.  I've always believed that everything happens for a reason even if we don't know what that reason is.  Sometimes the reason becomes clear later on but sometimes we just never know why it happens.  Nobody is going to make my memories for me; it's up to me to make my own.  And that in itself sounds like a ruddy good philosophy!

Life's too short...

I've learnt a few lessons over the course of the past week.  On Wednesday I attended the funeral of a former school friend.  Celebrating the life of someone the same age as me was particularly poignant and although there was sadness, there was also joy at how much she had given.  The following day, I, along with many people, was shocked and saddened by the murder of Jo Cox in Yorkshire.  She was just 2 months younger than me and, combined with the emotions from the previous day, I had a little rant to myself about how unfair life is.

Life is precious.  None of us know what is around the corner.  I began this blog talking about living for today and I stand by that.  We can spend our lives making plans and working our backsides off to provide for the future but we are in danger of forgetting about today and may miss out on so much.  

I remember the saying "why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?"; I can be the world's best procrastinator and was the queen of last minute essay writing during A levels and at university.  But I've realised that there might not always be a tomorrow.

I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't plan for the future but that we shouldn't get so tied up with what may or may not come that we lose sight of what we are doing today.  Tell people we love them.  Make that phone call to an old friend.  Do that thing you've always dreamed of doing.  Before you find you've run out of tomorrows.

I am who I am

Who I am only really matters to one person.  Me.  Obviously how I behave can have repercussions on other people, both negative and positive, but who I am shouldn't bother anyone else.

This isn't going to be a long missive about who I am. I know who I am and I'm mostly happy with me.  Society is very good at compartmentalising and labelling people and I've been guilty of this too.  I could give myself a million labels but at the end of the day I'm me.  In any case I get hung up on words like "depressed" and "single" and need to not let them define me.  Labels are very often negative in any case, so it certainly makes sense for me to avoid them if I can. 

(Disclaimer - I'm not promising to never use a label - I'm certainly not claiming to be perfect!)

Another problem with labels is that there can be a reluctance/ belief that it is impossible to leave them behind or criticism or unwelcome comments if a person changes from their labelled personality.  The truth is, I believe, that we are free to change who we are as our life experiences shape us.  In lots of ways I am very different from the person I was, say 10 years ago.  Staying the same would be quite suffocating and stagnating.  Just as the world is changing, I believe people need to change.  Maybe not dramatically, but subtly and appropriately.  That said, I don't believe in change for the sake of change.

There is the old saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and I guess that's true to a point, but change could actually improve something further than it was before.  We shouldn't be afraid of change.  I used to be afraid of it; I thought I couldn't change.  I thought I was me and that was it.  I was labelled and that was that.  But something in me woke up and I now know that I can be anyone I want to be.  And I will be.

Maslow talked about actualisation as the condition that occurs when all needs are met or the fulfilment of a person's potential.  I'm a way off from that yet but I guess that's what I'm striving for.  I want to be the me I want to be, not whom I'm expected to be or I feel I should be.  If people don't like who I am, that's their problem.  I will not conform for the sake of other people's feelings any more.

Community spirit

Am feeling a bit tired this evening but I feel great after a lovely weekend which followed a brilliant week.  On reflecting on the past week, I've identified a running theme... community.

At work this week I've really felt part of a team. I haven't felt that I needed to know or do everything but that my contribution has been useful and appreciated.  And that I've appreciated other people. I'm reminded of 1 Corinthians:12 - about how the body is made up of many parts but they are all important to make the body work.

Yesterday I was invited to a street party in the road I moved away from 2 years ago. It was lovely to see my old neighbours and friends and spend time chatting and celebrating with them.  Then this morning I joined other brave folk for an outdoor service to celebrate Love Marlow week and HM Queen's birthday.  We got thoroughly drenched but our spirits really weren't dampened.  I love the idea behind Love Marlow; concentrating the community for one week with the aim of rippling out throughout the year.  The weekend was rounded off by more celebrations for Her Majesty in the form of a cream tea at St. Peter's.

A few weeks ago my overwhelming feeling right now would be tiredness. I'd almost certainly be feeling down because the good times were over and would be feeling an adrenaline slump.  But not so much today.  I haven't got my usual Sunday evening blues.

So what's changed? I honestly believe that my change in thinking is rubbing off. I have unconsciously found myself thinking more positively; I'd be interested to know if anyone has noticed a change in my behaviour / outlook.

Whatever it is, I'm feeling a contentment from time to time that I've rarely experienced.  Problems don't feel insurmountable; they're still there but it's OK.  I haven't felt as stressed.  I'm sleeping better.

Long may it continue!

"Some things change, some stay the same..."

The above Pretenders lyric just occurred to me.  I can change some things but there are some that I cannot.  If something irritates me or upsets me I need to think - can I do anything to change this.   If the answer is yes, I should do just that.  If the answer is no, I need to accept that that's how it is and move on.  Easier said than done but necessary.

I was pondering last night why I'm writing this blog.  Am I writing it for anyone reading it?  Well not exactly BUT it may be that something I say resonates with somebody else and makes a difference to their day.  Mostly it's for me to make me focus on the positive and shut out the negative.  I believe that the more I do this the more it will become second nature to me.  I have found myself thinking during the day about things to write so perhaps it is working in ways that I didn't anticipate!

I've been told I'm not very patient when waiting for things to change - this is true to a degree; If I don't lose weight quick enough I get disheartened; if I do something but don't see immediate results I lose faith and give up too easily.  I'd like to think I have a new determination with my positive thinking and will carry this through so it becomes an integral part of my life.  

A key lesson I need to learn personally is that I am me and who I am is not dependent on anyone else.  That may sound a bit obvious to some people but I know I'm guilty of being who I think people want me to be or relying on people to be a certain way (or rebelling and doing the opposite!).  I'm making some progress on this but there's a way to go.

Which has got me thinking - do we ever "get there"?  And if we do, what then?  Hmmm - something else to ponder!!

To my friends...

Not had such a good day today. The negative voice inside has been louder than ever. 🙁  Still I've managed to identify some positives so maybe not all bad.

I need to address my friends. They take the brunt of my anxiety and negativity and somehow they stick by me.

So friends, this is to you. You know who you are.  You listen, you offer advice, you challenge, you support,  you persist, you love. You are more valuable than you know. You are awesome and amazing.  I love you all and truly appreciate everything you do, especially when it feels like I don't xx

I said it wouldn't be easy...

Positive thinking is hardest when I'm tired. It's easy to let the negative voice shout louder. It would be easy to give into it. Writing this in itself is a positive thing. I've been told before that I should use my writing skills. I'm not sure this is exactly what "they" meant but never mind.

Several times today I've seen a quotation attributed to the late Muhammad Ali: " Don't count the days, make the days count."  I've certainly been incredibly guilty of the former. It's x number of days until... I've done such and such for however long...  And... so what? I've regularly used a countdown app to monitor how long it is until something I've been looking forward to.  But I've been guilty of looking into the future and ignoring the now. Or looking back to when I last did something (perhaps something I've stopped doing for the right reason?) and focusing too much on the past and again,  ignoring the now.  The video I posted yesterday talked about today being "current". Today should be celebrated.  Not sure I quite subscribe to the "today could be the best day of my life" theory as I think I'll feel quite disappointed most days!  But yes, today needs to be celebrated.  I've achieved things. Some of my achievements may seem small and insignificant to others but some days just getting through to bedtime feels like a marathon.   It's about MY achievements.  What I'VE done/ thought/ realised/ said/ refrained from/ completed/ started.

I got home from a day out today, lay on my bed and felt a bit deflated. After the energy of last night and my determination, not to mention the positive feedback I've received, I was cross with myself because  I didn't feel very positive.  In fact I just felt exhausted.  I watched some mindless YouTube videos and thought about my day.  And I turned it around. I thought of positives from my day. It didn't stop me being exhausted but it made me smile.

It's felt a bit like an out of body experience today. I started the day feeling very aware that I was this new positive person and some of it felt quite contrived. I got stuck in traffic this morning and got cross and chastised myself for being annoyed!!  I met a few people during the day that I hadnt seen for a while and looking back, as the day wore on I began to lose the "everything is rosy" outlook with them and became more realistic. But not pessamistic; that's a big deal for me!

I saw something on Facebook which made me smile today.  "Amazing things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow".  I initially found it funny but it's actually very true! I wake up every morning with choices to make: what shall I wear (that doesn't generally take long to decide), what shall I have for breakfast, shall I drive or walk?  A less conscious decision in the past has been about my mood and I fear I've fallen into the trap of miserable being the easier option. I don't think I've been walking around with a rain cloud over my head but I know I've not always been as cheerful as I could have been. I'm planning to create a collection of positive quotations, Bible verses, cartoons and pictures to look at each day. The miserable cow one will certainly feature.

I think I'll sleep better tonight!

Today is a new day

A strange thing has happened. I usually have no problem falling asleep (staying asleep is a whole other issue!) but tonight I just couldn't drop off. Weirder still I realised I kept smiling to myself! In the end I have had to get up and tidy some stuff up in my room. Still not 100% tidy but I don't want to bang around too much and wake my daughter up!

I was sent a video earlier. Initially I thought it was a bit weird but I soon realised why my friend had sent me the link.  I got two clear messages from the video.

1. It's more important to "be" than to "do".
2. I need to ignore the negative voice in my head. I need to tune out of "Shit FM".

You can view the video I was sent here.

I plan to watch it again, probably more than once, because it just struck me that it's actually very easy to be more positive but it does take a little effort.  But surely it's worth it?  And over time it will get easier. And possibly second nature.

A few weeks ago, while playing a silly game with friends, the question arose "which cartoon character do I remind you of?"  I was dismayed that I reminded my friends of (amongst others) Eeyore. Always thought of myself more as Tigger.  Thinking about it I realised they were right. And that was perhaps one of the catalysts for this need to change.  In fact thinking about it I can pinpoint a few things that have happened in recent months that have brought me to this point.

Perhaps it's coincidental that I have recently (well, yesterday!) started to physically record positive things from my day.  I've done it mentally before but writing it down seems to serve better and hopefully will remind me in the dark days that there are positive things in my life.  This was triggered by the quotation "Look for something positive in each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder."  I can be the Queen of doom sometimes and this does nobody any good. My aim is to turn this around and be more positive. And if this positivity gets passed on to other people that can only be a good thing.

It would be dull if it was easy and I know I'll fall off the horse sometimes but I'm trying to do something to silence that negative voice within that's been so loud for a few years. I'm not trying to change the world but I have a very good friend who reminds me... "small steps..." :-)

I know this is a "doing" thing but I hope that it will be an impetus to my "being". A change I behaviour and thinking. A more optimistic outlook on life. Less burying my head in the sand. More dealing with things.  A clearer conscience.

On that note I'm hoping that I'll sleep now!