Music...

One of the best things about having a day to myself is that I can choose what music I listen to! Today I'm not in the mood for anything particular so everything's on shuffle. My music tastes are pretty eclectic and have been influenced by 3 elder siblings with reasonably diverse music tastes themselves, friends, children, experiences, etc. For example, the current track "Will You" by Hazel O'Connor, reminds me of the time I was on a boat trip on the Thames with my family and someone jumped into the river (the track was playing on the radio during the trip). Sometimes songs or pieces of music remind me of less pleasant times which can make listening to them more difficult, but as I said in my last post, I can't regret anything that's happened, I'm determined to face up to any tracks that do this. Other tracks are real feel good tracks and so they get put in their own playlist. Could be the content or could just be a track with a great bassline or it makes me play air piano (Keane is a good one for that!)

Song lyrics can surprise me. I may have listened to a track dozens of times but then the lyrics jump out at me and I realise how much they relate to my life. A classic example of this is in the worship song "In Christ Alone" - I had sung this numerous times but one evening I was listening to it and was completely gobsmacked by the final lines of the final verse:


No power of hell, no scheme of man,

Can ever pluck me from His hand:

Till He returns or calls me home,

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Another example is from "Firework" by Katy Perry:

Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road


And another from "Honestly OK" by Dido:

I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore


I also enjoy listening to classical music (often on the days when I can't cope with listening to words if that makes sense) and maybe that's because of a childhood brought up on Radio 3 and 4. Again, my tastes are fairly eclectic but Vivaldi is a favourite, very possibly because of the formulaic and slightly predictable nature of his music, making it incredibly easy for me to listen to.

So what's the point of all this rambling about music and lyrics? I think it's all about memories and learning to deal with them. For me, music is incredibly evocative and can take me right back to a time in my life or a situation. I used to avoid listening to some music because it would remind me of a bad time but now I know I need to deal with it. And more importantly I feel ABLE to deal with it. It has been suggested to me that I carefully choose what I listen to and not listen to less than uplifting music and I understand the sentiment, but I've learned from everything - for example, the Dido lyric above is a reminder of where I once was and how far I've come.

I was recently tagged on Facebook to post the cover of a great album with no explanation.  There were so many I could have chosen but without too much thinking about I opted for Lovesexy by Prince.  Thinking about it, I think I have it on vinyl, cassette and CD!  It was the first Prince album I bought and there was one track, Anna Stesia, that completely entranced me; I can't explain why.  It's definitely a track that takes me right back to the late 80s, the confusion of teenagerdom and the beginnings of my fight with depression.  But I can stand up proud and say I've moved forward from those days.  Yes, it still evokes memories and feelings, but as long as I don't let those feelings overwhelm me it's ok.

And that's true of all feelings I guess - putting things in proportion is key.  Keeping negative stuff in check - not sure it's even healthy to suppress it altogether.  But I know wallowing in it definitely isn't.

Preparation is essential...

Just casually thinking about decorating, as you do.  Well I'm more accurately procrastinating about decorating.

There are two ways to approach decorating.  One way is to prepare thoroughly - wash down the walls, sand the woodwork, apply primer, undercoat, use masking tape, fill in cracks, etc.  The preparation is hard, back-aching work and you often feel like giving up but the final painting process is easier and the end result is very satisfying.  The other way is to half heartedly prepare, if at all then endure a difficult painting experience and a less than satisfying end product with streaks and bumps that will haunt you every time you catch sight of them.

I think I'm currently going through the former in my life.  Seeing where the lumps and bumps are that need sanding.  Filling in the cracks.  Preparing myself for the rest of my life.  I need to do this to avoid rushing to get the job done knowing I haven't really done it properly.  Yes, at times, I question why I am bothering to put all this hard work in especially when I can't see what the end result will be.  Heck I don't even know what colour the final paint will be!  But that's when my friends and family are there with encouragement to keep going.  To see the bigger picture.

Everything that has happened so far in my life has helped to shape who I am in one way or another.  Maybe an experience has taught me a lesson, maybe it's a happy memory, maybe it's a reassurance or a warning.  So I can't really regret anything that's happened in my life.  Believe me - that is a big realisation and a big deal for me!  Looking back at even the darkest times in my life, I can see tiny glimmers of positivity and can see that I have pulled through and taken something from what has happened.

There's a bit more preparation still to be done but I'm taking my time over it and trying not to rush.  It'll need doing again at some point in the future but for now I'm not thinking about that, just the jb in hand right here, right now.

Yes I know it's been a while...

...and now here I am in the small hours of the morning. I blame my good friend Vicky entirely for this. At dinner with friends this evening she said I should be writing more. I'm not entirely sure this is what she meant but I'll blame her anyway!

Something that struck me over the course of the evening is how far I've come. Sure I've been told I've come a long way but I think it's one of those things that you have to realise yourself to truly appreciate it.  I'm beginning to self analyse with a bit more objectiveness (or is it objectivity?) and rationalise a lot more. Maybe all the therapy really is beginning to filter through!

I'm becoming more open. Some people may laugh when I say I'm getting better at talking! I think I've always been a chatterbox but if I'm honest I've mostly been spouting a load of rubbish! Now I'm more able to say how I feel and feel confidence that my opinion is valid and if someone disagrees with me or vice versa, it won't affect our relationship.  Very possibly a side effect of talking therapies,  probably because I am listened to.

I've made some good friends on my journey and in a way this evening was a celebration of new friends. Not necessarily very recent but friends who have become so in the past few years and I hope will continue with me.  I used to measure friendship in terms of years but I recognise how untrue that can be.  Yes some of my "oldest" friends are very good friends but so are some of my newer friends. I've learned to let go of some people but also not to hold on too tight to others. That is a whole other post!

I can see lots of windows of opportunity right now. As I typed that I laughed to myself. This is NOT what I was thinking yesterday! But having pulled myself out of my insular little nest, and opening my eyes wide, I can see so many possibilities.  I posted on Facebook recently - "Hold on - God knows what He's doing". He's got a plan. He waits so patiently for me to finish trying to do things my way (though that is a great song!) then points me in the right direction.  This is such a time. He waited for me to have my strop and wobble yesterday then lit up the neon "THIS WAY" sign. He works through my lovely friends and their wisdom and advice.  He works through my thought processes. He works through ways I can't even fathom. That's pretty amazing!

So I know I hadn't written for a while before tonight; part of that is because I had so much I wanted to write I felt completely overwhelmed  (as my close friends will testify, when that happens I bury my head in the sand and do nothing!), part of it is because I didn't know where to start and part of it is because I've not really had time to sit quietly and reflect. So thank you Vicky, for consciously or otherwise willing me to write tonight. Maybe this will open the floodgates for all the other things I want to say.