So what does it feel like to be down?

I haven't had a very good day today.  maybe post holiday blues, maybe a hangover from some bad dreams I had last night.

It has been suggested to me that this blog doesn't always need to be positive.  I initially refuted that idea as the whole point of it is about positive thinking leading to more positivity.

However, I've been brewing over it and I think that maybe a small insight into what it can be like when I'm in a bad place may be helpful.  You'll have to excuse me as this may not be an easy thing to do.  Apologies in advance if I say anything which upsets anyone or if anyone reading has had wildly different experiences.  This is me and what I feel and I'm not even sure I can put it into words anyway.

So how does it start?  Sometimes there's a trigger, sometimes there's no trigger I can identify.  This morning I woke up sweating after some horrible dreams and although I dozed off again afterwards, there was already a heaviness about my head that hasn't quite gone yet at the other end of the day.  It's like someone has put cement in my head.  It's not quite a headache, though that does present itself, it's more of a dullness and a fog that I can't think through properly.  My whole body feels heavy.  Simply getting out of bed can be a real challenge.  This is when Facebook really can do damage - its lure is strong yet streams of happy folk going about their business without a care in the world can really hit hard - how come everyone else can be having a jolly time when I can't even get up?  And even when I do get up, the temptation of going back to my bed can be very strong.  The usual morning routine can go right out of the window; nothing feels worthwhile doing.

Sometimes I'll remember tricks for picking me up or being kind to myself - particular music to listen to, reading a pertinent quotation or Bible verse, looking at a photo.  I try to remember I've felt like this before and survived.  Usually these help pull me out of the pit.  Sometimes they don't.

Everyone's got something I haven't.  Everyone's happier than me.  Everyone is too busy to think about me.  These are some of the thoughts that go through my head.  I think about texting a friend.  They're probably busy.  They don't want to think about me.  They spent a lot of time texting me yesterday - they won't want to text me again.  They need some space from me.  They've got their own stuff to do.  Why didn't I stay on holiday an extra day?  Why did I go at all if I'm just going to feel rubbish afterwards?  Why did I have to dream that dream?

I can't see clearly still.  Someone has put a thick blanket over me .  It's bloody heavy and I can't fight it off me.  Sometimes it lifts temporarily, evilly giving me a glimpse of reality then cruelly snatching it away and pulling the blanket firmly back down.

I forget to eat.  Or I eat too much.  I'll cook for my daughter but I might not worry about me.  Other people are always more important than me.  I don't matter.

Sometimes the fog lifts gradually throughout the day, sometimes it lifts all in one blinding moment of clarity.  Sometime it barely lifts at all.  Thankfully, today I've fought it off but it really took some doing.

I've written some dark stuff over the years when I'm right in it.  I'm not quite brave enough to share any of that right now but there's a track by Bring Me The Horizon that seems to sum it up quite well:

It's like an avalanche
I feel myself go under
'Cause the weight of it's like hands around my neck
I never stood a chance
My heart is frozen over
And I feel like I am treading on thin ice

I'm not sure I've quite got to the nuts of how it is but to be honest it only feels as bad as it is in the actual moment - a bit like the pain of labour; you remember the pain but forget its intensity somewhat.

I know I'll feel it again, because that's the nature of the beast.  But maybe next time one of my tricks to conquer it will work.  That's when the positivity comes in.  Because if I couldn't be positive, I'd never get out of that mood.