TLC

I needed a quick pick me up this morning. That came in the form of new socks. Simple but it did the trick.

I have a box that I keep by my bed which contains things to give me a quick fix of TLC when I need it. I try to dip into it at the first sign of a wobble and sometimes it staves off what could possibly be something worse.

Right now it contains:
Tissues
Chocolate (Green & Blacks white!)
Lens wipes (yes cleaning my glasses really does help me see things more clearly)
Small puzzle book and pen
Post it notes
Shower gel
A few photos of special people, places and memories
Pertinent positive quotations and Bible verses
Eye mask
Book about friends
Paracetamol
Until this morning it also had a new pair of socks in it. 

The idea is that it's there when I need it and reduces the need to think about how to ward off a crash.  Socks was a really good thing to have in there as all day today I have been reminded about my pick me up.  And they're pretty awesome robot socks which has made me smile.

Alas I can't really have new socks every day. But if I need to, I can try something different tomorrow. 

I'm getting better at self care but it's still not second nature yet. But I'm taking one step at a time, with or without new socks...

Happy talking...

Today has been a day of talking. To people I know well, to people I know a bit and to people I have never met before. I've talked at, to and with people. There's been closeness and distance. But it's all been good.

A friend joked that I talk too much. But it's what you're talking about and what you're saying that's important.  When I was at university I remember a session where we could only write a certain amount of words to convey a message. It's not how many words we use, it's using the right ones.  And when we use them. A well timed word or text has been my saviour many times.

Words can comfort, heal, help and calm. They can still the chaos and refocus the mind. But they can also hurt, damage and break. They can be cruel.

I'm going to try something this week. I'm going to try to use kind words and only kind words this week. I'm not professing to be perfect and suspect I won't be 100% successful but I'm going to try. Just being more aware of something can be a big help.  I'm not even sure how much of an issue it will be; how hard or easy it will be. But the challenge is there.

As BT used to say, "it's good to talk" but only if you use the right words.

One of millions

I watched Sinead O'Connor's recent Facebook video this morning. If you havent seen it, be warned... there's a fair bit of swearing in it!

Part of me identified with her anger and upset. And part of me realised that's the sort of thing I throw at my friends and family. So, if you've ever been on the receiving end, please accept this as an apology.

But it brought home to me that a lot of people are still a bit crap at dealing with friends and family with mental health issues.  But I know that when I'm in that dark place I don't always know what I want people to do. Or say. Or can't think straight enough to tell them.

So here are some ideas. Things that help me anyway:

1. A hug. Some form of human contact can help to ground me. Holding my hands is also good.
2. A text or email. "How are you doing today?" reminds me that you care. Usually text is better than a phone call. I don't always want to talk but can read a text then reply in my own time.
3. Offers of practical help. Even making me a cuppa or getting some milk in for me.
4. Company. I might turn this down sometimes but please don't stop offering. Sometimes I desperately crave it but can't ask for it.
5. Care. This can be the tricky one. 1-4 can show you care but so can praying, a 'like' on Facebook, a smile, accepting my mood, tolerating another cancelled date, loving me even when I'm a complete cow and throw all your support back in your face.

Remember I'm only one of millions suffering with my mental health but I think  most of us will respond to these 5 tips.

If this helps even one person deal with someone's mental health issues better then it was worth writing. But it was worth writing anyway because it's helped me process stuff.

And what's really important is staying one of the millions and not giving into it.

Swings and Roundabouts

Mothers will get this. Sometimes depression is like labour. When you're in the midst of the pain it can be all-consuming and you can't see an end to it. But when it's over and you're holding your baby, the pain (or at least the intensity of it) becomes a distant memory.

I've had a great few weeks. Have felt invigorated, determined, refreshed, motivated. Depression was far away. How could I ever feel that bad? Life is too good to want to waste it!  But there have been some lows too within that time where all hope felt far away.  How could I ever feel that happy? What's the point of it all anyway?

Nearly 2 years ago I stood on a bridge crying. Life was hurting me. I couldn't find any strength. I felt that the cold water below held the answer. I was ready to leave everything behind. But something stopped me. The fear of failure. The fear of being saved. The fear of still being alive.

And yet that fear in itself saved me.

Today I went and stood on that bridge again and smiled.  I can remember the sadness I felt the last time I was there and I know I felt empty and desperate but I can't really remember how bad it was.  But right now I'm holding onto the smiles from today.

In church this morning I was reminded of some special verses from Isaiah:

The LORD says, “Come, everyone who is thirsty — here is water! Come, you that have no money — buy corn and eat! Come! Buy wine and milk — it will cost you nothing!  Why spend money on what does not satisfy? Why spend your wages and still be hungry? Listen to me and do what I say, and you will enjoy the best food of all.
Isaiah 55:1‭-‬2

And that's definitely worth remembering in this increasingly material world.

Rational me versus irrational me.

You are going to get up and go for a nice long walk.

No I'm not. I cant be bothered.

You need to be bothered. It'll make you feel better.

What's the point?

When you feel better, you get things done. That makes you feel even more better.

Then I'll crash and feel shit again.

Ok well let's take it a step at a time.  Get up and make a cuppa.

Ok. 

</goes and makes cup of tea then remembers about it when it's gone cold>

What's the point?

But you got up and made it. You did something. What about breakfast?

Can't be bothered to make any.

There's always cold chow mein in the fridge.  That's better than nothing.

Ok.

Now how about a shower?

That really is too much effort right now.

Ok, that's fine, you can have one after your walk. Look your breakfast has given you enough energy to get dressed. Well done.  Now about that walk. Wouldn't it be good to have a long walk like you used to do. The Beeches perhaps or to the river?

It's raining.

Yes and now it's stopped raining.

It'll probably rain again in a minute.

It may well do. But being out in the rain doesn't normally worry you. 

Everyone is out having fun at Pub in the Park or Rock the Moor.  Who's going to care that I've had a walk?

You will. That's all that matters.

But I want to stay here and watch mindless videos on YouTube.

You can do that after your walk.

I should stay in and do some writing. You always say that makes me feel better.

Again, you can do that after your walk.

</eventually get out and walk less than a mile round the block>

That was pitiful.

But you got out and did it. It's all about the little wins. Celebrate that.

Creativity is the way I share my soul with the world- Brene Brown

So this week has been a bit tricky.  Have had some real low points but somehow turned it round. Some persistent friends have helped enormously and so last night it culminated in the writing of a song.

Now I'm not a stranger to writing songs; in my teenage years I was going to be an international superstar. No actually I don't think my dreams were ever that grand. But I wanted to write and perform my own songs.  And I wrote plenty.

Looking back, some of them were pretty rubbish but there are a few that I still like.  Performing has never really been a favourite thing of mine; well thinking about that, I'm happier performing my own stuff as I guess nobody knows if you go wrong. Or playing bass where you can hide at the back and look mean and moody. But the performance side of my Music A'Level and piano grades was where I fell down.

I went through a spell of writing some worship songs and we actually sang one of my compositions at a youth service about 27 years ago. It remains one of my favourites.  In more recent years I've tried to write more but it's not happened. It's sounded trite, I wasn't inspired, just didn't happen.

Until last night. I appreciate that many of my readers are not Christians but I'm just putting it out there as it's part of who I am.  Obviously this is a rough recording and it's not perfect but that's the point.

I hope you enjoy it.

https://youtu.be/YzQm9pKpTXU

So what does it feel like to be down?

I haven't had a very good day today.  maybe post holiday blues, maybe a hangover from some bad dreams I had last night.

It has been suggested to me that this blog doesn't always need to be positive.  I initially refuted that idea as the whole point of it is about positive thinking leading to more positivity.

However, I've been brewing over it and I think that maybe a small insight into what it can be like when I'm in a bad place may be helpful.  You'll have to excuse me as this may not be an easy thing to do.  Apologies in advance if I say anything which upsets anyone or if anyone reading has had wildly different experiences.  This is me and what I feel and I'm not even sure I can put it into words anyway.

So how does it start?  Sometimes there's a trigger, sometimes there's no trigger I can identify.  This morning I woke up sweating after some horrible dreams and although I dozed off again afterwards, there was already a heaviness about my head that hasn't quite gone yet at the other end of the day.  It's like someone has put cement in my head.  It's not quite a headache, though that does present itself, it's more of a dullness and a fog that I can't think through properly.  My whole body feels heavy.  Simply getting out of bed can be a real challenge.  This is when Facebook really can do damage - its lure is strong yet streams of happy folk going about their business without a care in the world can really hit hard - how come everyone else can be having a jolly time when I can't even get up?  And even when I do get up, the temptation of going back to my bed can be very strong.  The usual morning routine can go right out of the window; nothing feels worthwhile doing.

Sometimes I'll remember tricks for picking me up or being kind to myself - particular music to listen to, reading a pertinent quotation or Bible verse, looking at a photo.  I try to remember I've felt like this before and survived.  Usually these help pull me out of the pit.  Sometimes they don't.

Everyone's got something I haven't.  Everyone's happier than me.  Everyone is too busy to think about me.  These are some of the thoughts that go through my head.  I think about texting a friend.  They're probably busy.  They don't want to think about me.  They spent a lot of time texting me yesterday - they won't want to text me again.  They need some space from me.  They've got their own stuff to do.  Why didn't I stay on holiday an extra day?  Why did I go at all if I'm just going to feel rubbish afterwards?  Why did I have to dream that dream?

I can't see clearly still.  Someone has put a thick blanket over me .  It's bloody heavy and I can't fight it off me.  Sometimes it lifts temporarily, evilly giving me a glimpse of reality then cruelly snatching it away and pulling the blanket firmly back down.

I forget to eat.  Or I eat too much.  I'll cook for my daughter but I might not worry about me.  Other people are always more important than me.  I don't matter.

Sometimes the fog lifts gradually throughout the day, sometimes it lifts all in one blinding moment of clarity.  Sometime it barely lifts at all.  Thankfully, today I've fought it off but it really took some doing.

I've written some dark stuff over the years when I'm right in it.  I'm not quite brave enough to share any of that right now but there's a track by Bring Me The Horizon that seems to sum it up quite well:

It's like an avalanche
I feel myself go under
'Cause the weight of it's like hands around my neck
I never stood a chance
My heart is frozen over
And I feel like I am treading on thin ice

I'm not sure I've quite got to the nuts of how it is but to be honest it only feels as bad as it is in the actual moment - a bit like the pain of labour; you remember the pain but forget its intensity somewhat.

I know I'll feel it again, because that's the nature of the beast.  But maybe next time one of my tricks to conquer it will work.  That's when the positivity comes in.  Because if I couldn't be positive, I'd never get out of that mood.

Mind over matter

Several years ago I did a short course of CBT. It was at the beginning of this recovery journey and looking back it wasn't the right thing for me at that point. But bits of it have stuck with me which is what's important I suppose.

CBT really focuses on the links between Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviours.  I used to (and still do sometimes if I'm honest) find it difficult to distinguish between the three.  I remember being told by a counsellor I saw about 15 years ago that Feelings are what they are - you can't help what you feel but accepting them is usually helpful. What CBT tried to teach me then was that it's how you respond to those Feelings that is important; what Thoughts or Behaviours those Feelings translate into that can determine the outcome.  Additionally, from Thoughts we have, what Feelings and Behaviours emanate.  The three things are closely intertwined and seemingly interdependent.

For some time now I've been working on putting a positive slant on things.  Looking for the positives could be really difficult at first but it really has got easier as time has gone on.  And sometimes the Feelings (or at least the Thoughts springing from those Feelings) are easier to control - I can sometimes override the negativity and think more positively.  I used to have to consciously stop myself thinking a certain way but it comes much more naturally now.

But what happens when things happen to seemingly wreck our positivity; when we feel the world is out to get us?  How we respond to external stimuli is key.  We can bow to it and suffer or we can stand up to it and say no.  I'm not going to pretend I always get it right but it's much easier now to not let a bad thing dictate my day.

A friend's teenage son told me today that he's never known me get angry about anything.  Bearing in mind he's seen me at some pretty low points in my life over the past few years I was initially surprised but thinking about it I've rarely got myself outwardly angry - I used to quietly seethe internally which was very destructive.  Nowadays I rarely even get inwardly angry either (unless it's about PIN numbers!) which I firmly believe is thanks to my more positive approach to life, limiting contact with people who drain my energy and letting go of "stuff" that doesn't matter.

I have occasional moments (including one in church this morning) when I forget all the crap that's going on and I find myself thinking "Life is good". I had a good tidy up in my house this week and a bit of decluttering and the house looks and feels better for it.  Much like I do.  I'm lucky to have had half term week off work and for once I actually feel refreshed and ready for a return to work tomorrow.  It feels awesome when choices we make really pay off!

So it really is all about mind over matter - warding off the negativity that tries so hard to take root. Sticking two fingers up at it and telling it where to go.  And that is honestly getting easier every day.

Seeing the positive side of things

I had a revelation on the way to work this morning.  I've known for a long time that lots of little things together can make one big thing but I've always thought of this in a negative context; lots of little niggles becoming one huge annoyance or lots of little jobs becoming one giant overwhelming project.  This morning I realised that it can be a positive thing too; lots of little things going right can result in a good day or lots of people doing one good deed can make a big difference.  Lots of little steps in the right direction add up to bigger parts of the journey.

I have several big tasks on my agenda at the moment.  Big to me anyway.  The sum total of these is so daunting I've been putting things off for a long time.  It's time to break it into their individual parts.  Some of them are still overwhelming so I have to break them down again.  And again if necessary.  Breaking things down into chunks I can manage and achieve is the key to approaching them.

You know when you open a packet of biscuits with the intention of just eating one or two?  Then just one more... and before you know it the whole packet is gone?  That's how I'm approaching this.  Just one more little task, one more piece of the puzzle (which is a theme for a future blog post) and soon things will be done.  I guess you wouldn't try and eat an 8oz steak in one mouthful... you'd cut it into bitesize pieces.  2 litres of water is a lot to drink in one go but 8 glasses throughout the day isn't so bad.

I had a text conversation with a former colleague today and it made me realise I've come quite a long way in the past 8 or 9 months.  I think looking back is ok if you're using it to gauge how far you've come.  I've said before about not regretting things that haven't gone well; I went through an entire thought process today about things that had happened to bring me to where I am today. And I can't regret any of it because I'm (mostly!) happy with where I am.

This blog is just my thoughts.  Together I hope they make some sort of coherent sense.  But if they don't, it doesn't really matter.  What DOES matter is that I can see the progression in my own thoughts and actions and that can only make me a better person.