Living in the past?

A school reunion. Facebook memories. Throwback Thursday.  We're always looking back at how things used to be.  Is that ok? Is it even healthy?

It's true that it is our history that makes us who we are but should we let it define us?

I've been guilty of putting too much emphasis on the past; I have felt haunted by my past, couldn't make plans or look forward to the future.  And I'm fairly sure I'm not alone.

We're not Marty McFly. We can't go back in time. Or forward for that matter.   If the past year or so has taught me anything it's that life is for living because none of us know how long we have on this earth. I don't want to have regrets that I didn't do something because my past held me back; I can learn from the past, I can embrace it, but sometimes it's time to say "Ok, it's time for a new challenge. To look forward. The past is done, today is my present. Tomorrow is my future. And I can make it better than the past."

Thoughts from a crowded brain

It occurred to me the other day that since I reduced my involvement with the Church, life has seemed a lot calmer. In fact looking back my struggles began around the same time I joined the Church youth group. Of course this could be coincidence and I'm not about to abandon my faith entirely but it's made me think about things a bit more.

The past 12 months have been both the worst and the best of my life. My parents' poor health and the loss of my dad have been very hard to cope with but I think it's no coincidence that the weekend dad first fell ill is when Jean first got in contact. I remember it so clearly. I'd just got back from a day at the hospital and was exhausted. I got an alert that someone new had messaged me and I logged on trying not to dare think it was anything to get excited about. I admit I don't remember the message but know it was short and sweet but I'llalways remember the waving bear gif! It made me smile. Which is exactly what I needed right then. And that, as they say, was that. It's not been a smooth 12 months by any means but we're strong together and do lovely stuff for and with each other.  And without her love and support I just don't know how I'd have got through everything else this year has thrown at me. And I've been able to support her too which has been good, although of course we'd rather everything that has happened hadn't made it so necessary.

Going back to Church though, I think my faith is so personal that I just don't connect with structured (or even unstructured!) worship and the mechanics of it. Now I've never had any negativity towards me as a gay woman but I've noticed over the years that "Christians" can be very choosy about when, where, who and what they support.  When I separated from my husband some Church friends were supportive and some (perhaps self consciously) distanced themselves from me. I wasn't invited to things. People supported him over me when they had known me longer.  In some ways this is happening again now with a friendship. Christianity is about loving each other, not picking and choosing who you love.

For me, Church doesn't work any more. The Christian faith is shown through actions. A "how are you doing?" text. A hug.  A note through my door. A "thinking about you" email. My friendship circle has got considerably smaller of late but it's made up of good friends.  Friendships change over the years and there are people I don't talk to for ages but if I needed to, I'd knock on their door at 3am and know they'd be there with a hug and a cuppa.

There's a lot in the media about asking someone twice how they are. To find out how they really are. Because we're all good at saying "fine thanks" when what we mean is "actually I'm not feeling so great. Can I talk to you for a bit?"

So reach out to someone today. Send that text. Make that phone call. Write that email. That's how Christian (or any other faith's) love works. Anywhere, anytime, anyhow, anybody.

Love. And Positivity

I'm aware I haven't posted for some time. Part of the reason is not knowing exactly what to say.  The good thing about this is that for once it's not because of depression.  In fact quite the opposite.

One of the mistakes I've made in the past has been relying on other people for my happiness. Not any more. I make my own happiness.

But having someone to share that with is amazing. And today being Valentine's Day, it seems appropriate to recognise this.

A year ago I wrote the following in my journal:

"It's one thing to have a personal date that's hard to get through but dates that are universally known and when everyone else seems to be having a lovely time is even harder.

I don't begrudge anyone their happiness and am glad they have what they have. But it's a very difficult day for me that's difficult to get through.

So just ignore it!

But it's everywhere. TV, social media, restaurants, etc.

It's only one day. But it's a day that's so hard for me. Not just cos I'm single. It's just so difficult to distract myself from.

I promised myself I wouldn't let myself get upset about it this year. But it's overwhelming."

This year I'm embracing it. Yes it's only one day but so are birthdays and Christmas. It's important to recognise and celebrate love every day but having a special day can help focus things a bit.

Embrace the day. Have a hug if you find the day difficult and do something for you.

There's some good stuff going on on social media today.  Here's two to start off with:

MIND

Miranda Hart on Twitter

We actually had our Valentine's Day on Monday. For us, it was about being together, not about spending money or grand gestures. Just celebrating who we are and what we have and what we do for each other.

And because I try to see the positive in every situation now, I wrote her a song...

TLC

I needed a quick pick me up this morning. That came in the form of new socks. Simple but it did the trick.

I have a box that I keep by my bed which contains things to give me a quick fix of TLC when I need it. I try to dip into it at the first sign of a wobble and sometimes it staves off what could possibly be something worse.

Right now it contains:
Tissues
Chocolate (Green & Blacks white!)
Lens wipes (yes cleaning my glasses really does help me see things more clearly)
Small puzzle book and pen
Post it notes
Shower gel
A few photos of special people, places and memories
Pertinent positive quotations and Bible verses
Eye mask
Book about friends
Paracetamol
Until this morning it also had a new pair of socks in it. 

The idea is that it's there when I need it and reduces the need to think about how to ward off a crash.  Socks was a really good thing to have in there as all day today I have been reminded about my pick me up.  And they're pretty awesome robot socks which has made me smile.

Alas I can't really have new socks every day. But if I need to, I can try something different tomorrow. 

I'm getting better at self care but it's still not second nature yet. But I'm taking one step at a time, with or without new socks...

Happy talking...

Today has been a day of talking. To people I know well, to people I know a bit and to people I have never met before. I've talked at, to and with people. There's been closeness and distance. But it's all been good.

A friend joked that I talk too much. But it's what you're talking about and what you're saying that's important.  When I was at university I remember a session where we could only write a certain amount of words to convey a message. It's not how many words we use, it's using the right ones.  And when we use them. A well timed word or text has been my saviour many times.

Words can comfort, heal, help and calm. They can still the chaos and refocus the mind. But they can also hurt, damage and break. They can be cruel.

I'm going to try something this week. I'm going to try to use kind words and only kind words this week. I'm not professing to be perfect and suspect I won't be 100% successful but I'm going to try. Just being more aware of something can be a big help.  I'm not even sure how much of an issue it will be; how hard or easy it will be. But the challenge is there.

As BT used to say, "it's good to talk" but only if you use the right words.

One of millions

I watched Sinead O'Connor's recent Facebook video this morning. If you havent seen it, be warned... there's a fair bit of swearing in it!

Part of me identified with her anger and upset. And part of me realised that's the sort of thing I throw at my friends and family. So, if you've ever been on the receiving end, please accept this as an apology.

But it brought home to me that a lot of people are still a bit crap at dealing with friends and family with mental health issues.  But I know that when I'm in that dark place I don't always know what I want people to do. Or say. Or can't think straight enough to tell them.

So here are some ideas. Things that help me anyway:

1. A hug. Some form of human contact can help to ground me. Holding my hands is also good.
2. A text or email. "How are you doing today?" reminds me that you care. Usually text is better than a phone call. I don't always want to talk but can read a text then reply in my own time.
3. Offers of practical help. Even making me a cuppa or getting some milk in for me.
4. Company. I might turn this down sometimes but please don't stop offering. Sometimes I desperately crave it but can't ask for it.
5. Care. This can be the tricky one. 1-4 can show you care but so can praying, a 'like' on Facebook, a smile, accepting my mood, tolerating another cancelled date, loving me even when I'm a complete cow and throw all your support back in your face.

Remember I'm only one of millions suffering with my mental health but I think  most of us will respond to these 5 tips.

If this helps even one person deal with someone's mental health issues better then it was worth writing. But it was worth writing anyway because it's helped me process stuff.

And what's really important is staying one of the millions and not giving into it.

Swings and Roundabouts

Mothers will get this. Sometimes depression is like labour. When you're in the midst of the pain it can be all-consuming and you can't see an end to it. But when it's over and you're holding your baby, the pain (or at least the intensity of it) becomes a distant memory.

I've had a great few weeks. Have felt invigorated, determined, refreshed, motivated. Depression was far away. How could I ever feel that bad? Life is too good to want to waste it!  But there have been some lows too within that time where all hope felt far away.  How could I ever feel that happy? What's the point of it all anyway?

Nearly 2 years ago I stood on a bridge crying. Life was hurting me. I couldn't find any strength. I felt that the cold water below held the answer. I was ready to leave everything behind. But something stopped me. The fear of failure. The fear of being saved. The fear of still being alive.

And yet that fear in itself saved me.

Today I went and stood on that bridge again and smiled.  I can remember the sadness I felt the last time I was there and I know I felt empty and desperate but I can't really remember how bad it was.  But right now I'm holding onto the smiles from today.

In church this morning I was reminded of some special verses from Isaiah:

The LORD says, “Come, everyone who is thirsty — here is water! Come, you that have no money — buy corn and eat! Come! Buy wine and milk — it will cost you nothing!  Why spend money on what does not satisfy? Why spend your wages and still be hungry? Listen to me and do what I say, and you will enjoy the best food of all.
Isaiah 55:1‭-‬2

And that's definitely worth remembering in this increasingly material world.