Life is complicated...

...and yet it isn't.

I know what I want but it's not just about me and I need to take others' needs into consideration.  Sometimes that means compromise.  Sometimes there's no compromise to be found.

What I need to realise is that if what I want doesn't happen, it's not a reflection on me, it's just that it isn't part of the plan right here, right now. That can be pretty hard to take on board but I think I'm getting better at it.

I have dreams. We all have dreams don't we?  I'd like to think mine really aren't completely unattainable but they involve other people and I cannot guarantee their dreams are the same as mine. So I need to think of new dreams. Dreams I can make happen because they don't rely on anyone else. Dreams that I can make happen by myself.

I'd love to think that there's someone out there who would want to share my dreams whatever they are.  I've done a lot of self searching and really am beginning to know and understand myself a bit better. I've changed some behaviours, some thinking, some habits. I'm still the same me but maybe a bit more honed and refined. But it's a work in progress with more work to do.

It really can work!

Feeling good is like a drug. You get the high and you want more of it. It can be highly addictive! 

I may be wrong but I'm not sure that people who haven't experienced mental difficulties fully appreciate feeling good.  And maybe that's a reason to be thankful that I have been affected by it. I really appreciate the good days because I know how damned awful the bad days are.  Sometimes it's something small that makes it a good day. Like the sun shining.  Other times its more than that.

This past week has been altogether pretty awesome.  Lots of things have come together; back at work so back in a routine; smaller daughter is back at school and being amazingly organised, self disciplined and motivated; had some good ideas for some upcoming puppet events; spent time with lovely people.   And the little things like a child coming up for a cuddle; a message of appreciation; a smile; a cup of tea.

Yes there have been moments when things haven't been so rosy and I could have given in to the loud voice in my ear but, just as it used to be so easy to succumb to it, it's becoming easier to stand up to it and pursue the better mood. I'm sure it won't always be like this but while it is, I'm going with it!  And when the crap does happen, rather than going down with it, it's important to acknowledge it's there but not to give it any more recognition than is necessary. Ignoring it completely isn't healthy I don't think as it just gets buried, as has happened before but becoming overwhelmed by it is also not good.

I'm not saying I've got this cracked. Not by a long way! But I'm starting to make sense of things. A few people have remarked on how well I am looking (of course I then wonder how bad did I look?!) and what I actually need to say in response to that is "thank you".  Thank you for supporting me thus far. Thank you for caring.  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to explore how I need to change my thinking and behaviours.  Many people have helped me. Some know who they are, almost certainly some don't realise how much they have aided my recovery.  One day I'll be able to tell them.  But for now, thank you just for reading this. Because I guess that means you give a toss.

Friends

Almost certainly shouldn't be writing a blog whilst under the influence but hey ho.  Friends are important.  Sometimes you just need to take a deep breath and do it.  You never know.  You might be surprised.  That is what I did tonight.  And what a night I had.  My friends are awesome. 

Thank you God for my friends xx